The hardest part of writing for a grade, is trying to stay true to who you are as a writer and not just writing whatever will get you the highest grade. I’ve never been a conformist, in fact I hate it. Every time someone told me I had to be a certain way I would go out and do the exact opposite on purpose and well… that’s probably why I spent 10 of my 12 school years being bullied. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my writing is the same. To tell me I have to follow a set of guidelines laying out what makes my writing good or bad doesn’t really sit well with me.
When I write something I write it because it means something to me. In that sense I take writing very seriously and everything I write, I write with my whole heart. When I write, I want people to FEEL the words on the page; I want them to say, hey, that girl writes with passion. I want that expression of myself to translate over onto the page. I already suck at talking, so if I can’t even write properly, what do I have? Honestly, what am I left with?
So, here it is, laid out on the page, I failed. I handed in my assignment and I didn’t make the minimum grade. Sure, I probably could have sat down and followed exactly what they told me and received a good grade but then, what does that say about myself as a writer? Sure, you have to write what other people want to read, but you also don’t want to lose yourself in that. This is the first time since coming here that I’ve started to question whether I’ll qualify to continue in the program next year. This is incredibly depressing, because I’ve never succeeded at anything before.
I don’t mean I’ve never received a good grade, or been successful at things before, but every school program I’ve been in I dropped out. For the first time in my life I want something, like, really want something, so to have someone say, “No, this isn’t good enough” is like saying, “I’m sorry, nobody wants to read your writing style because it doesn’t follow a, b, c and therefore isn’t good”. I refuse to apologize for how I write, and if I don’t make it, well… There is no plan B.
I’ll write until someone listens to me. I’ll keep writing until I can find the other person in the world that will look at my writing and understand what I’m trying to say. There has to be someone out there who will look at my writing and say “She’s worth publishing” there just has to be! Because whatever you do passionately with your whole heart can’t be denied by anyone! Even if they say you can’t do it, prove them wrong! Even if I fail this program, I’m going to be a writer! No one will tell me otherwise, I will write and I will be successful at it!