Posts Tagged With: blogging

I’m Around…

I’m just backlogged between work and school. That new job I started is 11hr shifts and now I’m so tired I’m behind on homework… so there’s that. I am also having issues with a prof that I’m trying to sort out since it’s kind of all a big misunderstanding. Long story. I’ll post a big update soon. Hopefully next weekend, because I’ll have 4 solid days to catch up on everything. Until then I hope you all have a lovely rest of the weekend, and a fabulous week ahead!

~Kat

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The End is Nigh, Verily, It is Upon Us!

But seriously, I just handed in a project worth 60% of my grade last night. I have ONE MORE DAY of classes!! Then my first year of university is DONE! I only have 2 final exams! Evidently the last one being on the last possible day which is April 24th, BUT that just gives me plenty of time throughout April to work on my book and to study for the exam 😀 I’m so freaking stoked. You cannot even believe how excited I am! Not just to say I finished my first year of university, but also to say I passed and I survived and I get to spend all summer writing my book and making music with my brother. Ever since I took that first leap of faith I have been stressed out of my mind on certain levels, but on the scale of life I have felt mostly overjoyed! Obviously there are still really bumpy days, but the good things that have been happening have so been worth all the daily living crap.

I haven’t posted in awhile, so I guess this is mostly an update post. I’m in a good mood because I get to work on my book today and I get to play D&D tonight. I guess what I’m trying to say is expect a lot of this !!!!! because it’s just one of those good days. Really, any day I get to work on my book is a good day. In fact, this post is going to be short because I want to go finish the scene I started.


March highlights:

-Bachlorette Partybig

Maybe it wasn’t THAT crazy, but there WAS karaoke 😀

St. Vincent concertNosebleedThis is the most accurate representation of how I felt. This is not a joke.

End of Termalphonse-alphonse-elric-anime-books-brain-dead-edward-Favim.com-100183

But hey, I survived, right? I think?

Cheers!!!!

~Kat

 

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Letting Go Of The Past

This is really long and really personal, but I’m sharing it for the people who want to take the time to read it.

It’s much easier said than done. It’s one of the things I struggled with when I started this journey. The feeling in my heart when I first applied for my leave of absence from work told me I wouldn’t be going back, but I buried that voice inside of myself. I ignored it. I said, “Well, just in case things don’t work out, I can go back to work.” I was scared. What if I failed? What if I was a terrible writer? What if I got confused and I made a mistake and this wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing? What if, what if, what if. I drowned in them. My insecurities were suffocating. Everyone around me believed in me, but here I couldn’t believe in myself. That voice that kept telling me “this is right” faded and disappeared against the screaming in my head that said “be logical” the one that reminded me trying to become a writer was like trying to become a movie star or music artist. It just didn’t happen to people like me.

And then school started. And I was caught up in this whirlwind affair of grades and percentages. The nagging voice in the back of my head saying “what if you don’t make the grade?” I had no backup plan. It was this or nothing. I knew I couldn’t go back. Even though I told myself I was going back, I knew I couldn’t. I knew I was lying to myself and because of that I felt like I was lying to everyone around me. I felt like a fraud. I felt like an impostor. “Don’t worry I’m coming back” and “See you next summer” felt like black clouds over my head. Telling myself we needed the money just didn’t cut it. That incessant voice in my heart kept telling me “you aren’t going back.” And still I ignored it. I didn’t want to be a burden, how would we pay the thousands of dollars we owe in credit card debt… excuse after excuse to try and convince myself that going back to work was “the right thing to do.”

For my entire first semester I struggled with this. When January came I was faced with more than I could handle. Work fucked up so I owed them money, MSP was going to send my bill to collections, my car insurance was due ( another 1100$ we didn’t have onto the credit card because we need a vehicle). How could I go to my husband and say “I want to give up my full time job” when all of these things were staring me in the face? And still that voice in my heart “you aren’t going back.” It ate at my sanity, I lost sleep, felt physically ill, still trying to push that voice down, deeper, back to the volume I could ignore it. And the calendar turned from January to February. May was only three months away. I tried to look forward to work because it meant a paycheque and not having to stress about how we were going to pay our bills every month. It means savings in the bank for when I was back in school again.

But that voice. It just wouldn’t shut up. And then I went to Faeriecon. I feel like “So, I went to Faeriecon last weekend…” has become as famous as “So this one time, at band camp…” because it really was something else. A lot of it was rooted in Pagan traditions. Me and nature and my effect on it and it’s effect on me. Me and whatever great thing is out there. God, goddess… I don’t like calling it by name because I think it’s bigger than that. But my point is, because of someone’s generosity and kindness I was able to go to a special activity that normally costs money and that I wouldn’t have been able to attend normally called The Spell of Desire. The main focus was on the desire of our heart. That thing that we really wanted and the things holding us back from it.

My whole family is Christian, and Christians and Pagan’s haven’t exactly been BFF’s throughout history, if you know what I mean, but whatever is out there met me right in that conference room. That voice that I had been trying to subdue for months came back with a vengeance as a raging storm in my heart. It was screaming at me. In that room, in the quiet, focused only on that one desire in my heart, unburdened by everything else and all the crap from the outside world, the things blocking me seemed so small. In that moment it was so clear to me what I needed to do and it felt possible. It felt attainable, whereas before it felt impossible to me. So I made a plan. When I got home I was going to have a discussion with my husband and sort everything out and I was going to go back to casual at the hospital so I could focus on writing my novel over the summer.

Well the very next day as we drove back to Canada I had a lot of time sitting in the backseat to think logically. And that voice in my heart was completely overwhelmed with all the thoughts in my head telling me how stupid I was to think I would be able to give up my full time line at the hospital. By this time my friends had started discussing Tarot and readings and such and I thought of the untouched deck I had at home. So as these thoughts bombarded against the voice that STILL wouldn’t shut up, I told it I’d do a tarot reading in the hopes of appeasing it. By the time I got home and opened the mail, which included the aforementioned MSP collections threat, I was completely convinced I had made up everything I felt during the session and indeed needed to go back to work in the summer. The next day I grabbed the box that held my tarot deck but never opened it.  Partly because I was just feeling too depressed about the awesome experience I now felt was impossible, and partly because I was scared of what it would say.

For those of you unfamiliar with Tarot it’s basically a deck of 78 cards. Each card has a specific meaning. The whole deck is infused with the owners energy, if that makes sense, so generally, depending on the type of reading, it will reveal those things deep inside of your subconscious. A lot Christians will tell you it’s demonic, but my own experience says otherwise. I mean, I SUPPOSE the demons could be sending me positive messages through the deck (even though “demons” are usually evil), but I prefer to think my spirit actually holds my energy and that energy gets infused into the things around me, including my tarot deck and especially when I’m meditating on a problem or question and infusing that energy into the cards.

Now I haven’t taken out my tarot deck in many many years. So I had to go online to look up a spread and refresh my mind on what the cards all meant. Then I laid them out and just about shat my pants. Literally every card spoke to me on an extremely spiritual level and if I had ANY doubt before, it was pretty much blown out of the water. It addressed EVERY single concern that was weighing on my heart. I am a firm believer god (or whatever you call it) will meet you wherever you are, and I was met even more strongly than in the session at Faeriecon. To give a quick run down it highlighted the thing that weighed on my heart:

It zeroed in on the journey I had been on to get here, and all the hardships I had faced and the subsequent strength I had established. Strength in myself and my ability and how I should be proud of that. The biggest struggle though was being a financial burden to my loved ones. I kid you not it said this “If  further success in creative affair is desired, it often becomes necessary to ask other people for assistance. There is no shame in asking for help…” I almost started crying.

It highlighted the things from my past that were influencing me:

A solid financial base, assured security and comfort. Material success and the things I’ve accomplished on the material plane. How being successful materially can help develop your self-worth but ultimately you need to find a balance between that and your spiritual self.

It highlighted the future:

What to do now that I had received all this wealth. It said trying to hold onto wealth in case you need it later is like trying to capture love in a bottle. It encouraged me to let go and let the next generation take over so they could gain as much as I did. It talked about inheritance and giving it to my successors.

It highlighted the reason behind the question:

It talked about an event that symbolizes the conception of an idea. The brief creative spark that comes to you, suddenly and unexpectedly, and that starts you down the road of a new creative vision. It spoke about fear and how the dark demons I was so afraid of are exposed by my inner fire, and that those demons were me running from myself. It told me to embrace my fear because it was part of me and I could use it to grow stronger.

And finally it highlighted the potential in the situation:

It spoke about good fortune and wealth. It spoke of hard work, and the need to act now. It spoke of a seed planted in fertile soil in which ideas can be planted to mature and grow, and even though it will be a slow growth, the success of the harvest is practically assured.

I’ve never had a reading like it before. Never ever, it was all right there in front of me. Everything I had done, everything I was afraid of, and everything I could accomplish if I could find the courage to continue. So I reached out for support. And the things I was afraid of no longer seemed that big anymore. The outpouring of support from friends and family was incredible. It was unexpected. I literally feel like I could take on the world right now. My heart feels so light, even the things that upset me this week feel small. I know this is going to be a long and even arduous journey at times, but look at everything I’ve already accomplished. So this is me letting go. This is me not looking back. This is me stepping out into the world of my dream.

~Kat

P.S. I have officially started the process of going back to casual. I will not be returning to my full time line. I’m all in now.

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Beat Down But Not Destroyed

The hardest part of writing for a grade, is trying to stay true to who you are as a writer and not just writing whatever will get you the highest grade. I’ve never been a conformist, in fact I hate it. Every time someone told me I had to be a certain way I would go out and do the exact opposite on purpose and well… that’s probably why I spent 10 of my 12 school years being bullied. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my writing is the same. To tell me I have to follow a set of guidelines laying out what makes my writing good or bad doesn’t really sit well with me.

When I write something I write it because it means something to me. In that sense I take writing very seriously and everything I write, I write with my whole heart. When I write, I want people to FEEL the words on the page; I want them to say, hey, that girl writes with passion. I want that expression of myself to translate over onto the page. I already suck at talking, so if I can’t even write properly, what do I have? Honestly, what am I left with?

So, here it is, laid out on the page, I failed. I handed in my assignment and I didn’t make the minimum grade. Sure, I probably could have sat down and followed exactly what they told me and received a good grade but then, what does that say about myself as a writer? Sure, you have to write what other people want to read, but you also don’t want to lose yourself in that. This is the first time since coming here that I’ve started to question whether I’ll qualify to continue in the program next year. This is incredibly depressing, because I’ve never succeeded at anything before.

I don’t mean I’ve never received a good grade, or been successful at things before, but every school program I’ve been in I dropped out. For the first time in my life I want something, like, really want something, so to have someone say, “No, this isn’t good enough” is like saying, “I’m sorry, nobody wants to read your writing style because it doesn’t follow a, b, c and therefore isn’t good”. I refuse to apologize for how I write, and if I don’t make it, well… There is no plan B.

I’ll write until someone listens to me. I’ll keep writing until I can find the other person in the world that will look at my writing and understand what I’m trying to say. There has to be someone out there who will look at my writing and say “She’s worth publishing” there just has to be! Because whatever you do passionately with your whole heart can’t be denied by anyone! Even if they say you can’t do it, prove them wrong! Even if I fail this program, I’m going to be a writer! No one will tell me otherwise, I will write and I will be successful at it!

~Kat

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Entering the Second Week

So the first week of NaNoWriMo is past and it is now getting into the second week. I would say that I have stalled, but somehow I’m managing to push myself through the stalled mentality and keep up on my daily word counts. Because of this, I broke 32,000 words yesterday! And if I were to really apply myself I could probably get to 50,000 words by the end of the week. However I don’t think that will be the end of this book. I still have so much more story to write and I feel like it will probably end up more around 60-70k words. Will I be able to write that by the end of November? I’m sure I could, we’ll see, but either way I will have a partial draft to upload to NaNoWriMo so I can get my free stuff and then I can purchase Scrivener to fine tune my draft since I only have the 30 day trial right now.

I have had a really hard time writing other things since starting this. Even this blog post was supposed to be written on Friday night and I was like “I don’t wanna do it!!!!!” And so today I said if I didn’t write it I could no longer talk about entering the second week because it would be half over! I remember when I was writing book 1 I took days off where I didn’t write a single word, or only wrote one paragraph and that’s all I could get out, but NaNoWriMo has pushed my limits. Even when I REALLY REALLY don’t want to write I tell myself I HAVE to get at least 1,100 words out. And even if I dick around ALL day, by midnight I usually have like 1,300 words and then I’m proud of myself and I proved to myself that I can do it.

What does this mean? It means that I could probably pound out book 2 and 3 like nobodies business if I could write full time, but I can’t. What I am excited for is finishing book 1 over my Christmas holidays because I will have 3-4 whole weeks to finish editing my last 10 chapters and having proven to myself that I can force myself to work through the stalled periods, I should have NO EXCUSE as to why I can’t finish 10 chapters in 3-4 weeks!! So I’m going to do it and if I don’t do it I’m going to have to come on here and tell everyone why and I’m going to be embarrassed and can feel like a loser.

Anyways, my advice for those of you who ALSO feel like they are stalling in the second week, I encourage you to keep pressing through your stalled moments!! Even if you have to bribe yourself with an hour of TV (I had to do that one day) or with food (Also did that), bribery works!! Tell yourself if you write 300 words you get something for it!! But keep writing my fellow writers, KEEP WRITING!! You can do it, I can do it, and we will do it together!!

~Kat

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The Time is Almost Upon Us

Yes, in just 8 short hours it will be midnight of November 1st. This means all us die hard crazy writers who don’t have to be up in the morning will be sitting at our computers at 11:59 waiting for that exact moment it switches to 12:00 to start writing. Since my husband also decided to sign up for NaNoWriMo this is what we will be doing tonight. He took the day off work tomorrow. That’s right, die hard…. or just plain crazy. We plan on writing as much as possible all weekend since come next week we’ll actually have things like work and assignments.

But once this post is done I’ll be on my way to Walmart to purchase a lot of food that can be made super quick since we won’t be making time consuming meals. I also spent the last two hours cleaning. That’s right, my floors are vacuumed, my counters and stove are clean, the dishes are done. Since I can tell you right now none of that is probably going to get done over the next 30 days. Doesn’t that sound terrible? I know! But with any luck I’ll have a whole novel out of it.

At least I don’t have to feel bad about ignoring my husband, since we’ll be mutually ignoring each other in favour of writing. Now I have to go get ready for my Halloween party. For those of you who start NaNo tomorrow, good luck and happy writing!! We can do this!!

~Kat

P.S. I’ll try and keep blogging throughout, but if I fall behind you can keep up via Twitter and Facebook!

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The Big Update

Good evening my fellow bloggers and readers! I am, surprisingly, still alive and oh boy has a lot happened in the last month. None of that being my book unfortunately. My husband and I have been busy trying to find an apartment in the city I will be attending university at. Normally this isn’t as big a deal, but it takes us about 3hrs to get there with a combination of car, ferry and bus and we’ve had to make a lot of day trips on top of my still working full time. On the bright side we finally found a place, woohoo!! The location is wonderful and we are on the top floor (so no more loud upstairs neighbours) and I am absolutely thrilled with the space! It’s not huge, but it’s two bedrooms and clean on the lower end of our budget and right in the middle between the university, the hospital (where I will hopefully be able to get hired on as a casual employee) and about 10-15min bus ride from downtown! Everything is walking distance, there’s two malls, restaurants, grocery stores. I’m in love.

We put down our security deposit yesterday and our move in date is next Saturday (June 15th) so to say we’ve been frantically packing and cleaning our current place is a bit of an understatement! From the time we found out our application had been approved to the move in date was about 11 days and I work for 6 of those days. After a very large IKEA stop to buy furniture for the apartment (since a lot of the stuff in our current place belongs to my husbands parents and will be staying behind) I am freaking out just a little bit at the grand scale of this move. I suppose I should be glad that everything from IKEA is already packed in boxes and ready to be loaded, but I am having a hard time figuring out how we managed to accumulate so much stuff in the five years we’ve been together. We probably have twenty plus boxes packed and I can hardly tell amidst the chaos that things are missing.

So the basic plan is that my husband is moving on the 15th and I will be staying in our current place until August 31st as I will still be working all summer trying to pay off all this furniture we bought 😛 as well as saving up as much as possible for school as I don’t know how much I will be able to work. This means I get to spend 2.5months alone in an empty apartment. When we first met I was extremely independent and self-sufficient, but after 5yrs of us not being apart for more than a few days I’m freaking out just a little bit. Especially because he cooks and I don’t so much anymore. I think I will miss him a lot and I think it will be lonely. Obviously I will be able to visit on days off and such, but there is a difference when you are living apart. I’m sure the two months will fly by, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself, but it’s still weird to think that in 7 days he won’t be here anymore.

When I come home from work it will be quiet, dinner won’t be cooking, the bedroom will have a twin mattress on the floor, and I will be virtually living out of a suitcase for the remainder of my time here until I can go meet him over there. It got me thinking about Alice and how after she moves she feels lonely and I thought maybe it’ll be good perspective for my book 😛 Gotta find the positive in it somehow, right? Maybe it will also give me more time to work on my book because I won’t have someone to distract me, although Tumblr seems to do a good job of that all by itself. But speaking of my book, I’m going on 3 weeks where I haven’t even been able to look at it and I’m seriously going through withdrawals  I’ve developed a hankering to sit down and read through the first 12 chapters (since that’s as far as I got finished) just so I could “hang out” with my characters a bit. Is that sad? I don’t know, but I miss Alice and Dawson and their quirky disfunctionality and Lainey’s energetic spunk.

I don’t know when I will be able to post again, definitely not until after we move but I’ll try and get on to write a post-move update! Maybe I’ll even be able to post some pictures of our new space once it’s set up a bit. I’m pretty excited about the stuff we found and I think our place will definitely have that “modern-chick” IKEA look 😀 Cheers for now!

~Kat

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Pausing amidst the chaos

Picture yourself standing on a large rock, waves crashing on every side, and as the raindrops hits your skin it stings you, seeping into your saturated clothing. The wind howls, whipping wet hair into your face, and freezes you right down to your core. The cold is so biting, you start to shiver, teeth shattering as you stand there, on that rock, with no way to escape. Your call for help is swallowed by the screeching wind. This storm does not care if you live or die, this storm would devour you and you can let it. You can let it beat you down until you are a shriveled heap of rotting flesh, food for the animals, fertilizer for the soil, or you can jump in and swim for shore. You might think to swim in such a storm would be certain death, but I would say that death is inevitable and if your going to die, you might as well do it with the kind of fierce ardour that will be remembered. And you want to be remembered. Not as the person who stood on the rock and let nature consume them, but as the person who jumped from the rock, into the crashing waves and swam for shore with everything they had.

Hit pause… I think I’m somewhere between the rock and the shore, they both look to be an equal distance, if I turn around I’ll be stuck on that rock forever, but if I keep pushing forward I might die. Maybe this is a bit melo-dramatic… hahaha, ok, it totally is, but I need to hit the pause button. For some reason life has been a little crazy recently, and I’m sure you can notice from the decrease in my posts from twice a week, to once every two weeks that I just haven’t been able to blog consistently. This is partly due the fact of being busy, and partly because I just haven’t had anything to say. When I was writing every day I had lots to talk about, but now I’m lucky if I can write once a week. My husband and I will also be moving to a new city this summer, we start apartment hunting in a week and a half.

Other things like school starting in September, I am working and saving like crazy for it, and course registration is next month. How does anyone even deal with this stuff, I’ll be applying for a leave from work for this. And have I mentioned how stress negatively affects my ability to be productive? So I’m taking a hiatus from blogging. It won’t be a permanent hiatus, but it might mean that if I only write one blog post every 2-4 weeks, then that’s all I write. Needing to keep up with all my social media outlets for my book has been an added stress  that I haven’t been able to keep up with and I feel bad about it. You can still follow me on twitter or facebook, since I try and post mini updates on there more often, but the blog will be quiet this summer while I restructure my life and get ready for some really big and exciting changes.

My goals are still the same, I still want to have my final draft finished by September, so I’ll try and keep you updated on how that’s going. But for now I need to focus on getting ready for school and moving to a completely different place away from everyone I know. It’s a lot more scary than I anticipated.

~Kat

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Escapist Extraordinaire

I have recently become very good at hiding. Life has been more than a little stressful and busy recently and it’s started to really affect my productivity. I know its not always feasible for me to be able to work constantly on my book, but since it’s what I love to do, but haven’t been able to do I’m starting to get a little depressed about it. I feel tired all the time in my spare time and all I want to do is sit on the couch and eat crappy food to make myself feel better. I haven’t wanted to blog, or write or edit and I feel overcome with this grand lethargy I can’t seem to pull out of.

Despite all this I do still have good news. I am currently in the process of editing chapters 8, 9 & 10, which means I have my final draft up to chapter 7! If I can motivate myself, I will be able to get a preview uploaded somewhere soon. So if you are curious to read what kind of young adult fiction I’ve written, you’ll have to pester me into motivation 😛 I just need TIME!! I always just need more time in a day and more mental energy! I can have an abundance of physical energy, but sit me down to edit and after 2hrs I am drained. There have been a couple nights I’ve fallen asleep sitting on the couch with my keyboard in my lap.

So hopefully if I can get this blog post uploaded I can motivate myself to start posting more regularly again. You might just get a few “I’m posting because I need to get back in the habit of posting” posts 😛 I’ll try and add some humour and pictures or something to make it more interesting at least. I just need to stop hiding. I’ve been hiding for at least two weeks and it’s not healthy.

~Kat

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The big 50 milestone

So I had this cool idea to do something fancy for my 50th follower milestone because last weekend I was at 49, but then I came on yesterday and realised I was at 55. It seems a little anti-climactic now, but the fact that I’ve got OVER 50 followers seems a little surreal. It might not be a lot to some people, but that’s 55 people who took the time to peruse my page and thought it was worth coming back to. I can’t really say I write for you, since I’m pretty sure I’d be doing this even if I had no followers, but you make it a lot more interesting and worth while to keep posting!! So thank you!

 

Thank_You_by_ForkysAnime ~Kat

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