Posts Tagged With: empty

Someone

I wanted to be perfect
before I understood.
I wanted to be
everywhere
at once
so I could fill the empty
of whoever needed it most.
As I grew older,
noticed my patterns and reactions,
I wondered
if my subconscious
was making up
for Someone’s short comings.

I lived two lives.
Like, somehow, if I could do twice
as much work, twice
as hard; achieve twice
as many things,
I could successfully replace
the hole
Someone
left inside of everyone.
Even though I knew
I’d never be enough,
I still tried.

Because when
Someone
is so lost to you
you lay awake at night,
listen to every sad song,
wonder if you’ll ever see
Someone
again or if this is it,
how can you not try?
When you love
Someone
so much their absence
leaves an ache
and all the wrongs
still equal a right.
When you’ve cried all your tears
and you couldn’t possibly go on;
exhaustion pulls at every muscle;
you haven’t slept in days.
When is enough, enough?

Never?
Would death be better?
Your heart breaks
once.
Permanently.
The emptiness merges with your soul.
You learn to live with the hole.
Because when
Someone
is alive you
hope.
The life giver.
Hope,
the life killer.
Hope will break your heart
every time, because
Someone
is lost
and
maybe there is no hope.
Hope says,
There’s still life in
Someone’s
Bones. There’s still
hope
Someone
won’t die. There’s still
hope
Someone
will get better. There’s still
hope
Someone
will come home.
Hope says,
Things can change.

When they don’t,
you break a little more,
and a little more,
and a little more,
until you’re clinging
to the last sliver.
Until you’ve given
everything you have.
Until you’re left thinking,
‘I’m not good enough.’
All you wanted
was to be good enough.
How could you not be enough?
After everything you’ve done,
How can
Someone
still not see?
How can they still not see
me?

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Categories: Creative Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Big Update

Good evening my fellow bloggers and readers! I am, surprisingly, still alive and oh boy has a lot happened in the last month. None of that being my book unfortunately. My husband and I have been busy trying to find an apartment in the city I will be attending university at. Normally this isn’t as big a deal, but it takes us about 3hrs to get there with a combination of car, ferry and bus and we’ve had to make a lot of day trips on top of my still working full time. On the bright side we finally found a place, woohoo!! The location is wonderful and we are on the top floor (so no more loud upstairs neighbours) and I am absolutely thrilled with the space! It’s not huge, but it’s two bedrooms and clean on the lower end of our budget and right in the middle between the university, the hospital (where I will hopefully be able to get hired on as a casual employee) and about 10-15min bus ride from downtown! Everything is walking distance, there’s two malls, restaurants, grocery stores. I’m in love.

We put down our security deposit yesterday and our move in date is next Saturday (June 15th) so to say we’ve been frantically packing and cleaning our current place is a bit of an understatement! From the time we found out our application had been approved to the move in date was about 11 days and I work for 6 of those days. After a very large IKEA stop to buy furniture for the apartment (since a lot of the stuff in our current place belongs to my husbands parents and will be staying behind) I am freaking out just a little bit at the grand scale of this move. I suppose I should be glad that everything from IKEA is already packed in boxes and ready to be loaded, but I am having a hard time figuring out how we managed to accumulate so much stuff in the five years we’ve been together. We probably have twenty plus boxes packed and I can hardly tell amidst the chaos that things are missing.

So the basic plan is that my husband is moving on the 15th and I will be staying in our current place until August 31st as I will still be working all summer trying to pay off all this furniture we bought 😛 as well as saving up as much as possible for school as I don’t know how much I will be able to work. This means I get to spend 2.5months alone in an empty apartment. When we first met I was extremely independent and self-sufficient, but after 5yrs of us not being apart for more than a few days I’m freaking out just a little bit. Especially because he cooks and I don’t so much anymore. I think I will miss him a lot and I think it will be lonely. Obviously I will be able to visit on days off and such, but there is a difference when you are living apart. I’m sure the two months will fly by, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself, but it’s still weird to think that in 7 days he won’t be here anymore.

When I come home from work it will be quiet, dinner won’t be cooking, the bedroom will have a twin mattress on the floor, and I will be virtually living out of a suitcase for the remainder of my time here until I can go meet him over there. It got me thinking about Alice and how after she moves she feels lonely and I thought maybe it’ll be good perspective for my book 😛 Gotta find the positive in it somehow, right? Maybe it will also give me more time to work on my book because I won’t have someone to distract me, although Tumblr seems to do a good job of that all by itself. But speaking of my book, I’m going on 3 weeks where I haven’t even been able to look at it and I’m seriously going through withdrawals  I’ve developed a hankering to sit down and read through the first 12 chapters (since that’s as far as I got finished) just so I could “hang out” with my characters a bit. Is that sad? I don’t know, but I miss Alice and Dawson and their quirky disfunctionality and Lainey’s energetic spunk.

I don’t know when I will be able to post again, definitely not until after we move but I’ll try and get on to write a post-move update! Maybe I’ll even be able to post some pictures of our new space once it’s set up a bit. I’m pretty excited about the stuff we found and I think our place will definitely have that “modern-chick” IKEA look 😀 Cheers for now!

~Kat

Categories: Life or Something Like it | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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