Posts Tagged With: work

I’m Around…

I’m just backlogged between work and school. That new job I started is 11hr shifts and now I’m so tired I’m behind on homework… so there’s that. I am also having issues with a prof that I’m trying to sort out since it’s kind of all a big misunderstanding. Long story. I’ll post a big update soon. Hopefully next weekend, because I’ll have 4 solid days to catch up on everything. Until then I hope you all have a lovely rest of the weekend, and a fabulous week ahead!

~Kat

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The Year of Projects

I’ve got big plans this year. If I can complete half of them I will be thoroughly impressed with myself! My brain is full of creativity. It overflows with ideas from multiple mediums. I knit, draw, paint, write, music, basically if it can be art-ed I have/will try it. The problem with having all that in my head, is when I sit down during my rare free time, I spend more of it figuring out which project I should tackle┬áthan actually tackling the project. This could also explain my bits of insomnia I get because I’m always thinking of how I can do/use objects/things in a creative way. And don’t forget I do have homework every week, and I start a new job on Monday.

You would think I would be good at prioritizing which tasks need to be done in order of due date, but my brain doesn’t work like that. I will start something, switch to something else, go back to the first things, switch to something else, go back to the second thing… You can imagine my apartment, filled with unfinished projects (this is why I need a house with a real studio). So far, the only thing I’ve managed to keep up to task on is being involved with my blog. I’m posting regularly, and interacting with the people I follow! (yay!) I’ve still got a lot of knitting to do, which I’ve been slowly plugging away at, and a new painting project I just bought a canvas for on Thursday that I’m super stoked to start as soon as I can decide on the kind of picture.

I’m really interested in dabbling in more impressionist style, and I got some really cool looking shells down at the beach I’d like to incorporate in a sort of mixed media. I was thinking maybe fairy-wings? But if I crushed some of them up maybe they’d make cool stars against the nights sky? But I love the way the sun glows… See where this is going? Never mind the reading I haven’t done in, oh, I don’t know, 2 or 3 months? I read 45 books last year, some of those were a popular comic called The World God Only Knows, but I still find that impressive. It’s a new yearly record for me. Usually I start January all gung-ho, but this year I haven’t looked at a book, let alone picked one up to read. (December was the TV catch up game so I feel fine on that front).

I need a time chart. Some kind of organization regime for my life… as if that could possibly work with the way I obsess when I start a new project, HA! But ANYWAYS, this post is all over the place (apparently like my life) so I’m going to sign off. My husband wants to eat dim sum and that’ll take some time. Homework sounds like a good plan for now, then I’ve got a dishcloth pattern I’ve been hankering to try. It’s so cool, and you end up with a raindrop pattern. Ciao for now ladies and gents!

~Kat

P.S. I like how this is my author blog and I did not say one single thing about the book collecting dust on my hard drive… I should at least open it probably. That is what got me here after all ­čśŤ

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I’m Still Alive

I’m moved. I have the next two weeks vacation, and then I work almost full time for the rest of the summer. I have accomplished a lot of writing in the last week. Not only on my book, but also the book I am writing with my friend. Having two book projects on the go has it made it difficult to finish anything, but as usual everything is trudging along at a decent pace. It will all work out in the end. Recently I read the first 3 chapters of my book and didn’t change one single thing. It makes me hopeful that I’ve finally come to a place where the story is acceptable. Both in it’s pacing, action, romance, and plot. So many things didn’t make sense before, but it feels like finally, FINALLY, things are coming together to some kind of end.

I’ve been meaning to post sooner, but I honestly haven’t had anything to say. So I will leave you here. I’ll let you know if anything exciting happens ­čÖé

~Kat

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Tempest in a Teacup is right!

Guess what? As if I wasn’t JUST getting settled in a new city I’m moving AGAIN! And AGAIN it is in the month of June! That’s right, next month I’m moving. My husband got this amazing job opportunity, so we are moving 90 minutes north. I will admit a 90 minute commute to school isn’t ideal, but did I mention it was an AMAZING job opportunity? I mean, we could be home owners by this time next year, it’s THAT amazing. And also the housing prices in that area are so ridiculously cheap it’s actually sickening, and gleefully satisfying to think I could actually own a house. A HOUSE!! You know, with a garage, and a real yard. Grass! I could have my own grass!! And did I mention the garage? So yeah. Moving.

My writing projects have been put on hold AGAIN! I have been working like crazy (they keep calling me! I can’t say no!), and now I have left 3 weeks open in June to move. So, tonight I’m working on my book, and tomorrow I also have time to work on my book, but it looks like my big book writing summer plans have been totally ruined. Between work, and life, and people, and now moving, I’ve hardly had time to look at my book. It saddens me to no end. No, really.

Anime Crying

 

 

 

<– Me.

 

 

 

 

It’s really depressing. This was supposed to be my summer of writing, and it’s turned into my summer of working, house hunting, and working… lots of working.

In brighter news I got to see my husband this weekend! I don’t get to see him for another 3 weeks now. God help me. I really miss him. But we have been able to make leaps and bounds in our debt repayment since I’ve started working. Woohoo! Lots of cheering! He starts his new job tomorrow. I’m going to work on my book now.

~Kat

Life is rough
But I’m still breathing
And as long as I’m breathing
I can still fight.
As long as I’m breathing
I’ll see you again.

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On Finishing 1st year, Moving, and Work

I have come through exams and survived.

sick-squid-girl-shinryaku_08_05-11(This may or may not be an exaggeration of actual events)

Currently I am procrastinating my need to pack. I’m moving in with my parents for the summer so I can work before heading back to school in September. I am both excited, sad, and nervous. Excited because a summer at my parents place means I get to spend time with my family for the whole summer! I get to see my brother on a weekly basis, and we can finally start recording some music!

Anime-Music-Cool-HD(not an identical representation of my brother)

I’m sad because it means the summer away from my husband, but having two incomes will help pay off the debt we accumulated while I was in school. Finally I’m nervous because of work. After 8 months, I hope it’s as easy as riding a bicycle.

So, what news doth thou bring? I PASSED!

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Yes, that is correct, you are looking at a Writing Major!!449218_1354427741381_300_225

 

No longer am I the nameless, undeclared reject hiding in the faculty of humanities. Operation weasel way into Fine Arts has been a 100% success!! With an A- no less.Kawapaper_LuckyStar_0000042_1920x

Thank you, yes, thank you, please, feel free to throw roses at my feet…

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But seriously, I’ve been happy dancing around my living room calling and texting my family for the last hour.

I move Tuesday, start my first work shift Saturday. I will eat lunch and go pack now. I want to celebrate! This writer is stoked for summer!!

~Kat

P.S. I’m starting a new project. Hopefully I’ll have details in the next month or two so stay tuned!

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Letting Go Of The Past

This is really long and really personal, but I’m sharing it for the people who want to take the time to read it.

It’s much easier said than done. It’s one of the things I struggled with when I started this journey. The feeling in my heart when I first applied for my leave of absence from work told me I wouldn’t be going back, but I buried that voice inside of myself. I ignored it. I said, “Well, just in case things don’t work out, I can go back to work.” I was scared. What if I failed? What if I was a terrible writer? What if I got confused and I made a mistake and this wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing? What if, what if, what if. I drowned in them. My insecurities were suffocating. Everyone around me believed in me, but here I couldn’t believe in myself. That voice that kept telling me “this is right” faded and disappeared against the screaming in my head that said “be logical” the one that reminded me trying to become a writer was like trying to become a movie star or music artist. It just didn’t happen to people like me.

And then school started. And I was caught up in this whirlwind affair of grades and percentages. The nagging voice in the back of my head saying “what if you don’t make the grade?” I had no backup plan. It was this or nothing. I knew I couldn’t go back. Even though I told myself I was going back, I knew I couldn’t. I knew I was lying to myself and because of that I felt like I was lying to everyone around me. I felt like a fraud. I felt like an impostor. “Don’t worry I’m coming back” and “See you next summer” felt like black clouds over my head. Telling myself we needed the money just didn’t cut it. That incessant voice in my heart kept telling me “you aren’t going back.” And still I ignored it. I didn’t want to be a burden, how would we pay the thousands of dollars we owe in credit card debt… excuse after excuse to try and convince myself that going back to work was “the right thing to do.”

For my entire first semester I struggled with this. When January came I was faced with more than I could handle. Work fucked up so I owed them money, MSP was going to send my bill to collections, my car insurance was due ( another 1100$ we didn’t have onto the credit card because we need a vehicle). How could I go to my husband and say “I want to give up my full time job” when all of these things were staring me in the face? And still that voice in my heart “you aren’t going back.” It ate at my sanity, I lost sleep, felt physically ill, still trying to push that voice down, deeper, back to the volume I could ignore it. And the calendar turned from January to February. May was only three months away. I tried to look forward to work because it meant a paycheque and not having to stress about how we were going to pay our bills every month. It means savings in the bank for when I was back in school again.

But that voice. It just wouldn’t shut up. And then I went to Faeriecon. I feel like “So, I went to Faeriecon last weekend…” has become as famous as “So this one time, at band camp…” because it really was something else. A lot of it was rooted in Pagan traditions. Me and nature and my effect on it and it’s effect on me. Me and whatever great thing is out there. God, goddess… I don’t like calling it by name because I think it’s bigger than that. But my point is, because of someone’s generosity and kindness I was able to go to a special activity that normally costs money and that I wouldn’t have been able to attend normally called The Spell of Desire. The main focus was on the desire of our heart. That thing that we really wanted and the things holding us back from it.

My whole family is Christian, and Christians and Pagan’s haven’t exactly been BFF’s throughout history, if you know what I mean, but whatever is out there met me right in that conference room. That voice that I had been trying to subdue for months came back with a vengeance as a raging storm in my heart. It was screaming at me. In that room, in the quiet, focused only on that one desire in my heart, unburdened by everything else and all the crap from the outside world, the things blocking me seemed so small. In that moment it was so clear to me what I needed to do and it felt possible. It felt attainable, whereas before it felt impossible to me. So I made a plan. When I got home I was going to have a discussion with my husband and sort everything out and I was going to go back to casual at the hospital so I could focus on writing my novel over the summer.

Well the very next day as we drove back to Canada I had a lot of time sitting in the backseat to think logically. And that voice in my heart was completely overwhelmed with all the thoughts in my head telling me how stupid I was to think I would be able to give up my full time line at the hospital. By this time my friends had started discussing Tarot and readings and such and I thought of the untouched deck I had at home. So as these thoughts bombarded against the voice that STILL wouldn’t shut up, I told it┬áI’d do a tarot reading in the hopes of appeasing it.┬áBy the time I got home and opened the mail, which included the aforementioned MSP collections threat, I was completely convinced I had made up everything I felt during the session and indeed needed to go back to work in the summer. The next day I grabbed the box that held my tarot deck but never opened it. ┬áPartly because I was just feeling too depressed about the awesome experience I now felt was impossible, and partly because I was scared of what it would say.

For those of you unfamiliar with Tarot it’s basically a deck of 78 cards. Each card has a specific meaning. The whole deck is infused with the owners energy, if that makes sense, so generally, depending on the type of reading, it will reveal those things deep inside of your subconscious. A lot Christians will tell you it’s demonic, but my own experience says otherwise. I mean, I SUPPOSE the demons could be sending me positive messages through the deck (even though “demons” are usually evil), but I prefer to think my spirit actually holds my energy and that energy gets infused into the things around me, including my tarot deck and especially when I’m meditating on a problem or question and infusing that energy into the cards.

Now I haven’t taken out my tarot deck in many many years. So I had to go online to look up a spread and refresh my mind on what the cards all meant. Then I laid them out and just about shat my pants. Literally every card spoke to me on an extremely spiritual level and if I had ANY doubt before, it was pretty much blown out of the water. It addressed EVERY single concern that was weighing on my heart. I am a firm believer god (or whatever you call it) will meet you wherever you are, and I was met even more strongly than in the session at Faeriecon.┬áTo give a quick run down it highlighted the thing that weighed on my heart:

It zeroed in on the journey I had been on to get here, and all the hardships I had faced and the subsequent strength I had established. Strength in myself and my ability and how I should be proud of that. The biggest struggle though was┬ábeing a financial burden to my loved ones. I kid you not it said this “If┬á further success in creative affair is desired, it often becomes necessary to ask other people for assistance. There is no shame in asking for help…” I almost started crying.

It highlighted the things from my past that were influencing me:

A solid financial base, assured security and comfort. Material success and the things I’ve accomplished on the material plane. How being successful materially can help develop your self-worth but ultimately you need to find a balance between that and your spiritual self.

It highlighted the future:

What to do now that I had received all this wealth. It said trying to hold onto wealth in case you need it later is like trying to capture love in a bottle. It encouraged me to let go and let the next generation take over so they could gain as much as I did. It talked about inheritance and giving it to my successors.

It highlighted the reason behind the question:

It talked about an event that symbolizes the conception of an idea. The brief creative spark that comes to you, suddenly and unexpectedly, and that starts you down the road of a new creative vision. It spoke about fear and how the dark demons I was so afraid of are exposed by my inner fire, and that those demons were me running from myself. It told me to embrace my fear because it was part of me and I could use it to grow stronger.

And finally it highlighted the potential in the situation:

It spoke about good fortune and wealth. It spoke of hard work, and the need to act now. It spoke of a seed planted in fertile soil in which ideas can be planted to mature and grow, and even though it will be a slow growth, the success of the harvest is practically assured.

I’ve never had a reading like it before. Never ever, it was all right there in front of me. Everything I had done, everything I was afraid of, and everything I could accomplish if I could find the courage to continue. So I reached out for support. And the things I was afraid of no longer seemed that big anymore. The outpouring of support from friends and family was incredible. It was unexpected.┬áI literally feel like I could take on the world right now. My heart feels so light, even the things that upset me this week feel small. I know this is going to be a long and even arduous journey at times, but look at everything I’ve already accomplished. So this is me letting go. This is me not looking back. This is me stepping out into the world of my dream.

~Kat

P.S. I have officially started the process of going back to casual. I will not be returning to my full time line. I’m all in now.

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